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• I have a friend who's getting his PhD in evolutionary biology. He's studying the mating habits of fish. I regularly study the mating habits of humans on various websites.
  
• I really love dogs, especially when you have three or four and they lick you all over your naked body.
• My grandma says she prays for me every night. I asked her why not in the daytime too, doesn't she love me?
• It's doubtful I am really a manly man--I use double-ply toilet paper.
• One of my roommates was using my soap bar in the shower. I could tell because it was shrinking inordinately fast and because he smelled like me.